Burn Out

When was the last time I posted? I think it was 2020 -- over two years ago. 

Dear reader. 

I am tired and so burnt out, something I am sure a lot of people can resonate with right now. The pandemic is still going; in fact, it was my third Covid-19 birthday this year. A lot has happened in such a short, but extremely long, time. 

First off, I am still here at Symetra as an Associate Software Developer! ✌🏽😄 I am making sure to take advantage of the many opportunities Symetra has to offer. So far I have gained some hands-on experience in Angular, certificate management, AWS, Sharepoint, and even a bit of Google Analytics. In terms of soft skills, I have also been given several opportunities to lead interviews and sort through resumes for both incoming Symtra interns and full-time developers. Overall, it has been an amazing experience and I look forward to learning even more.

On the home front, I took in a new Samoyed puppy (although 1 year old now):

Her name is Turnip and she has definitely made the pandemic so much more bearable. She is a bit mischievous and a bit of a handful, but worth everything and more! So far she has been the "light at the end of the tunnel" each day. 😂

I also became a first-time homeowner! Since Symetra has been gracious enough to allow us to work from home permanently, I was able to widen my search and find a starter that both my family and I can enjoy. It was a perilous search, for sure -- the pandemic housing market was beyond unforgiving -- but after a year (yes, a year) of looking, 40+ applications, and endless rejections (well, I guess it did end eventually...), I was finally able to settle into my first home. One can say it has been a very busy and expensive ride.

And through it all, if I am going to be quite honest, it has been a lot. Dealing with the background stress of Covid-19 (being immunocompromised) all while finding a house, taking care of a puppy, working through the grief of loss, family illness, financial struggles, and moving forward down a fairly new career path, has taken a toll in a way that I never planned. And reader, I am so thankful for all of it (even through loss, I am so so happy to have known such incredible people in my life), so this is in no way a complaint. I just want to express the sheer magnitude of it all and how it became so easy to delay my goals and forget myself (or even this blog!).

Admittedly, I lost sight of all the things I wanted to accomplish and all of the material I wanted to take in (and hopefully master); I just lost focus. And while, yes, I am indeed still burnt out, I think I am starting to settle in and set sights on the future again. It's just one step at a time, right? 😌

So what am I working on?

I am currently converting my old personal website from React to Blazor (learning Blazor in the process) and am hoping to get it up and running within the next few weeks. I have some new ideas for it that may take longer to implement, but I want to at least get a functional and decent-looking skeleton up soon. My last website was hosted through Azure, but I am thinking about finding another, more cost-effective, option this time (I have a house now; I can't spend all willy-nilly!).

Goals for the soon-ish future?

I still so desperately want to get my masters, but as I mentioned before, I must consider my finances first. For now, I think I will stick to learning game development through Unity, perhaps on Coursera (post website deployment, of course). I have already taken some very small actions to get going again by investing in some Kickstarter projects to watch the process a little bit and get the proverbial programmer's blood pumping. I do say that it is working too; it has slowly been pushing me out of my burn-out slump. I am also hoping to be more active here on Blogger and am really thinking about posting a Blazor Server + Blogger API tutorial -- because why does everyone make it so complicated?! Learning on my own took a bit of looking around; I don't want anyone else to experience that much stress again 😂

Anyway, Tl; Dr: 

After a two-year hiatus and some heavy burnout, I can honestly say that I am finally looking forward to jumping in full force again.

 

COVID-19

This year has been pretty rough -- a vast understatement for most, I am sure. It has been over six months since my last post and it feels like a few years have gone by already. COVID-19 has taken an incredible toll on a lot of us. For me, while I remain extremely grateful for my generally decent physical health (as much as you can have with an autoimmune disorder anyway 😅), my mental wellbeing has been less than.

A lot has happened in these few months! I started a master's program in computer science, had my internship renewed with Symetra, started a new position at Funko, etc. Sadly, though, these things did not last. Unforeseen financial circumstances ended my time as a master's student and as an intern. In search of a more full-time position, I started as an Associate IT Analyst with Funko! 🤩 

Admittedly, I was pretty star struck the first month I was there. Their building has giant Funko pops both on top of it and inside. 

(photo taken from Live the Sno Co Life)

They had a bowling alley, soda machines, an arcade, slides, a gym, etc. And a 50% in-store discount! 👀 It was an environment built for fun! However, my time was cut short due to the impact of COVID-19. After just two months of being employed with Funko, I was laid off with many other staff members. Like the saying, though: when one door closes, another one opens! 

During this time I saw that Symetra was hiring for a full-time Software Developer. This being the dream, I immediately applied. After all, I didn't necessarily want to leave Symetra (although Funko was indeed an amazing opportunity) and really wanted to go back. I didn't get the role I applied for, but landed a position as an Associate Software Developer! 🤗💚 Symetra truly is where my heart is; it felt like I had come home after a long trip away.

All that was left was trying to get back to work on my master's degree. From the time I had to drop my classes and end my internship, up until my application for Symetra, I had been working on an application to DigiPen's MS in Computer Science program (with the new Funko position, I then had the funds to start again). I had toured the campus, written the essay, and procured the letters of recommendation. All I had to do was take the proctored test and the application would have been complete! But then came COVID-19... again. 😑 Libraries, campuses, stores -- everything shut down. I could no longer take the test and missed the deadline. Start dates for the MS program are in fall only, so now I must wait an entire year to apply again (someone out there clearly doesn't want me to get my masters). It is frustrating because I am not the type of person who likes to wait when it comes to education. In the meantime, I may take online classes with WGU to gain a bachelor's. I haven't yet fully decided, I have not entirely healed from the disappointment...

Throughout all of this, as you know, was the stress of quarantine, and now, the heaviness of violent racial injustice across the country. While these few months have had its amazing ups and crippling downs (it really really broke me to have to drop out of my master's classes, as well as fail an interview with The Pokemon Company International -- a ridiculously embarrassing story I don't want to get into right now... 😭), I think waking up to see videos of a man being murdered because of the color of his skin -- my color -- was the most difficult to handle.

Emotionally, I don't think I have been handling quarantine and the general news of COVID-19 too well. To think about the extreme racial disparities across the country on top of this has put me, and I am sure a lot of others, in a sensitive state. There is so much I want to do: finish those tutorials, finish my website, keep chipping away at Unity, etc. and I just don't have any drive to do it. Despite having a dream job at a company that truly cares about COVID-19 and social injustice, I just feel so lost and tired. I love my job, of course! I just wish there was more of me right now to put into everything I would like to do, both for myself and for my job.

I am going to keep pushing, though! And maybe hopefully I will finally be able to get those tutorials left in the drafts up soon. 😂 Although considering how long it has been, they are probably already outdated; 6-7 months is like 3-4 tech years. 

Overall, I still hope to go to Digipen (just gotta keep studying in the meantime) and still have dreams of moving up to a FT Software Developer position(instead of just an Associate). I am still interested in game development as well and plan on working on it in some form! I know I will get there even if it takes a bit of time. I just have to be patient with myself.🤗✨